The Onion Archives

1 May 2016

Wormeater and Starlight

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“Boy, was that ever stupid,” Wormeater stood up, angrily. He hit the desk in front of Scarlotti with his fist in rage. “What are you trying to do, win the Nobel Peace Prize? You know what you’re supposed to do, when someone’s trying to take over! So, what are you … Read More

5 Mar 2016

The Onion

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John Scarlotti threw the magazine down on the table in front of him, and sighed impatiently, looking at his watch in irritation. He hated waiting. Normally other people waited for him, not the other way around. He stood up, and scowled at the receptionist behind the sliding glass window. She … Read More